★ Est. Last Tuesday•Members: 2•Courses Surviving: 0

GOLF COURSEDESTROYERS

“We don’t play golf. Golf presses charges.”

Jordan & Jeff are so catastrophically bad at golf they’ve been reclassified by three counties as a weather event. Every swing is a small groundskeeping tragedy. Welcome to the club.

Meet the MenacesSee the Damage →
0
Divots Excavated
0
Balls Lost Forever
0
Clubs Snapped
0
Courses Banned From
FORE (RUN)⛳THAT WAS A PRACTICE SWING⛳IT'S CASUAL WATER NOW⛳THE CART IS ALSO DAMAGED⛳WHO PUT A TREE THERE⛳RELAX IT'S A MULLIGAN⛳THE GREEN WILL GROW BACK⛳I MEANT TO DO THAT⛳FORE (RUN)⛳THAT WAS A PRACTICE SWING⛳IT'S CASUAL WATER NOW⛳THE CART IS ALSO DAMAGED⛳WHO PUT A TREE THERE⛳RELAX IT'S A MULLIGAN⛳THE GREEN WILL GROW BACK⛳I MEANT TO DO THAT⛳

The Founding Menaces

JORDAN & JEFF

Two men. One shared inability to keep a golf ball on the property.

Jordan

Co-Founder & Chief Chunking Officer

Official Handicap∞

“If you're not taking a divot the size of a welcome mat, are you even trying?”

Jordan approaches every tee box with the unshakeable confidence of a man who has never once made contact. Grips it, rips it, and reliably relocates four pounds of premium fairway into low-earth orbit. Currently banned from two driving ranges for 'aggressive landscaping.'

Signature Move
The Full-Swing Whiff
Longest Drive
11 yards (backwards)
Trees Struck
Yes

Jeff

Co-Founder & Director of Water Hazards

Official Handicap54+

“Every pond on this course has personally met at least six of my golf balls.”

Jeff is a man of serene calm and catastrophic follow-through. Where Jordan destroys with force, Jeff destroys with a quiet, patient inevitability — usually by finding water that cartographers didn't know existed. He has not replaced a single divot since 2019 and considers this a personality.

Signature Move
The Skulled Wedge
Balls Donated to Ponds
1,900+
Sand Saves
0 (lives in the sand)

The Arsenal

SIX WAYS TO DESTROY A FAIRWAY

Each shot in our repertoire has been peer-reviewed by furious playing partners and at least one visibly emotional groundskeeper.

⛏️Turf Fatality

The Excavator

A swing so steep it qualifies for a mining permit. Ball travels 3 feet. Divot travels 40.

🪃Friendly Fire

The Boomerang Shank

Aimed dead center of the fairway. Returns to sender at cheek height. Fellow players take cover.

💨Zero Contact

The Full Whiff

A complete, committed swing that makes contact with nothing but the sweet summer air. Scored generously as a 'practice swing.'

🌊Ball Overboard

The Pond Seeker

Possesses a magnetic, almost spiritual attraction to any body of water within the tri-state area.

🌲Timber

The Arborist

Identifies the single tree on an otherwise open hole and strikes it with pinpoint, tragic accuracy.

🕳️Low Altitude

The Worm Burner

Never rises more than 2 inches off the ground. Technically still rolling three holes over.

The Wall of Shame

COURSES WE’VE BEEN BANNED FROM

A living document. Updated frequently. Mostly by process servers.

01

Pebble Creek Municipal

Chunked a divot that took out an entire irrigation line. Hole 4 is now a wetland.

Lifetime Ban
02

Whispering Pines G&CC

The pines are no longer whispering. They are recovering.

Banned + Invoice
03

Sunny Meadows Par-3

It's a par-3. Jordan carded an 11. Twice. On the same hole.

Politely Uninvited
04

The Links at Regret

Jeff located a water hazard the course did not know it had. Under the clubhouse.

Restraining Order
05

Fairway Oaks Resort

Rented a cart. Returned a concept of a cart. Sand trap now has its own weather.

Blacklisted

...and 4 more currently in litigation.

Eyewitness Accounts

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN

(They have mostly spoken to their lawyers.)

★★★★★
”
In 22 years of greenskeeping I have never seen a human being remove sod with that kind of enthusiasm. I've stopped mowing. There's nothing left to mow.
Gary P.Head Groundskeeper (on leave)
★★★★★
”
They booked the 8:40 tee time. By 9:15 I had filed an insurance claim. Genuinely impressive men.
Marcia T.Pro Shop Manager
★★★★★
”
I was three fairways over and a golf ball still found me. I don't know how. I've made my peace with it.
Anonymous FoursomeInnocent Bystanders
★★★★★
”
Jeff hit into the water on a hole with no water. We had to go check. There is now water.
Devin R.Course Marshal

Membership

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Platinum Menace⛳
  • ✗A laminated card that legally means nothing
  • ✗One (1) complimentary lost ball, already lost
  • ✗Access to zero courses, growing daily
  • ✗Emotional support during your backswing
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